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Obsessive Compulsive Dysorder [entries|friends|calendar]
You stole my passion, burned my everything

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BEST NIGHT EVER [23 Nov 2005|03:58am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

So last night was the Cold show at the Odeon. I don't even know where to start.

So whenever anything big and important is about to happen in my life I always get really stressed out. I get afraid that something bad is going to happen and ruin my big moment. So all yesterday I was really snappy and just in a bad mood dispite the fact that I would get to see my favorite band in the world later that night. It felt like I wasn't supposed to get my hopes up and I wasn't supposed to be excited about it. Like I didn't deserve it. So I was having a pretty bad day. I've been a little down the past couple of days to begin with due to some shit that just won't go away. Blah.

It started getting closer to the time of the show and I was still stressed but I was getting really excited. It finally felt like it was really happening. My wifey Niki rode the bus home from school with me since she was going to the show with me. My mom was already home from work so that was awesome. I wanted to leave as early as possible. She still only compromised on leaving at 4:50 since it would only take 30 minutes to get there. When we got to The Odeon there were like 10 people in line. I was like "Uh woah. What the hell! Where is everyone?!" It was fucking FREEZING outside. I actually saw a friend from Myspace there in line. She seemed pretty cool. And wicked gorgeous. Haha. If she reads this I'm gonna be dead. So me and Niki waited outside for which felt like forever, especially since it was like a million degrees below zero haha.

So the doors fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinally opened and I could feel my fingers again. I RAN to the stage with Niki. I was like second row-ish. Like right behind the super pretty girl from myspace who was up against the railing. Heh. She was saving a spot for another girl(who is basically a freaking celebrity), Donna, from the Cold message board. She came over but then decided to move spots. So the mega pretty girl(IF ONLY I COULD REMEMBER HER FREAKING NAME) grabbed my wrist and was like GET UP HERE. Hahaha. So there I was fucking front row center. I couldn't have been in a better spot. Before I got up there I had ran over to the merchandise booth and had Niki save our spots so I could get me a Cold jacket, Cold Spider Tee, and a Cold tour shirt. Heehee. So anyways! There I was RIIIIIIGHT in front of the stage. The two opening acts were eeeehh. Nothing special about them. Super duper pretty girl ended up moving by Donna so Niki moved up right against the railing with me. Yay!

So it was time for Cold to come out. Oh my goodness. SCOOTER WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. I was there screaming every word to every song. A couple times he actually caught my eye and looked at me for quite some time. Made me feel pretty fucking special. Haha. And holy shit. They played Ocean. I'm in love with that song and I didn't think they'd play it. At a bunch of shows earlier this year they didn't play it so I got so excited when I heard it start. Donna brought flowers for those of us who didn't get a chance to get some before the show to throw on stage(it's a Cold Army thing). I threw mine when they played A Different Kind of Pain. Just all in all they were fucking amazing. I can't even put into words. At the end of the show Scooter grabbed my hand and Jeremy, Zach, and Matt threw their picks. They didn't even make it into the crowd so I had one of the security guards grab one for me. Heehee. We headed out of the place and me and Niki waited outside of the tour bus for a bit and I ended up getting a picture with Matt! Yay! I wanted to head back inside because Scooter and Jeremy were in there signing stuff and taking pictures but we weren't allowed back in and I couldn't stick around because my mom had to work in the morning. Ah well! The show was still fucking amazing and it was definitely one of the best days of my life.

There are SO many details I'm leaving out and I have a million pictures I need to post but right now I'm still way too exhausted and too excited and hyped to write anymore. I'll post more later!

I FUCKING LOVE COLD!

2 comments|post comment

I can't believe it. [14 Nov 2005|06:00am]


Rest In Peace

If any of you are a fan of Eddie Guerrero or just of wrestling itself, please take the time to post this in your livejournal in honor of Eddie Guerrero's untimely death on November 13th.


I still can't believe this is real. We love and miss you Eddie.
4 comments|post comment

Amazing Night. [12 Nov 2005|07:10pm]
[ mood | happy ]

So last night was the H.I.M. show. I love H.I.M. don't get me wrong but I was sort of hesitent to go. I was getting stressed out about the whole thing but I had to go to make Niki happy. She's had so much shit going on and for one night I didn't want her to think about it. So we went and I got more and more excited the closer it got to the beginning of the show. Skindred came out and played and I didn't really like them too much but they got everyone moshing. I wanted to go into a mosh pit for the first time but my nose was still really sore and I didn't want to risk getting the ring ripped out. So I just chilled with Niki.

Whenever I go to shows I'm always thinking "I really hope I meet some people and make friends and such" and that never happens. The only people I talk to at shows is the person I went with. But this time during the break between Skindred and the second opening act I saw a guy with a Cold shirt on so I freaked out. We had a long talk about Cold and he's actually going to the Cold show in Cleveland that I'm going too as well. I'm REALLY excited about that. But back to the H.I.M. show. Me and the Cold guy talked for awhile and then we split up and it was just me and Niki again. The second opening act, Finch, couldn't play so Skindred came out again. I didn't really care but I just really wanted to hear H.I.M. So after Skindred left for the second time me and Niki were trying to find a space to stand where there weren't 9foot tall men in front of us. Haha. We finally found a spot and I turned around to say something to Niki when this guy caught my eye. He looked exactly like my exboyfriend, Ryan when he had long hair. When I say exactly I mean EXAAAACTLY. I saw him and automatically freaked out. I felt like I was going to cry. Niki looked confused and then looked behind her and saw what I was freaking out about. I just kept staring at him. He'd catch me looking and I'd look away really fast. The thing was that it wasn't just the fact that he looked just like Ryan that was drawing me to stare at him. There was something else. So after a million times of him catching me staring at him I just smiled when he'd catch me. And he smiled back.

I finally started to calm down so I asked Niki to ask him what is name was. I know it couldn't possibly be Ryan but how ironic would it be if it was? Ha. So she asked and it turned out his name was Steven. I told Niki to switch spots with me so I could talk to him and she was like "NO! You already looked like you were going to cry if you get any closer to him you WILL cry." I told her I'd be fine and I made her switch me. I started talking to him about music and such and it was extremely weird because he even sounded like Ryan. But I kept trying to put that out of my head and just talk to him as him. He seemed like such a sweetheart. He was funny too. He was like "I'm sorry I look so bad. I usually have make up on and a hat and just I usually look way better. Sorry." That just made me giggles so hard. So I said "You sound like a girl. Haha. I'm just kidding. But don't worry, you still look great." He smiled real big. His smile was even exactly like Ryan's but different in a way. Like brighter and more meaningful. The more we talked the more I started to separate him from Ryan. And he said "I know we'll end up getting split up during the show so I'm going to come find you afterwards." That just made me smile knowing he wanted to come find me.

We talked up until H.I.M. came out. The crowd got more packed and Steven ended up being pressed right next to me/in front of me. It was so weird having someone who looked so much like Ryan be so close to me. I started staring at him again which was easier to do since he was in front me me. My emotions got the best of me and a few tears fell from my eyes. I quickly whipped them away before Steven could turn around and look at me. Steven's apperance was just really overwhelming. I couldn't understand how he could look so much like Ryan. Maybe that thing about everyone having an evil twin is true. Haha. But in this case Ryan would be the evil twin. XD! Steven was too nice to be an evil twin and Ryan's been a little less than sweet lately. He wouldn't like me saying that but I really don't care. He's basically been a cold asshole to me. He said he'd try to be nicer but still. Anyways.

So I finally just started enjoying the concert and enjoying Steven's company. I was able to look at him and see Steven, not Ryan. But as soon as I was finally comfertable with him his friend grabbed him and said "STEVEN! MOSH PIT OVER THERE!" He gave me a rather apologetic look and let his friend drag him off into the pit. It was adorable to see him in the pit though. Then he was out of my sight so I finally was able to direct my attention to Ville Valo of H.I.M. hahaha. Niki looked like she was having so much fun and I was in such a good mood. Ville sounded wonderful. They played my favorite songs Killing Loneliness, Vampire Heart, Poison Girl, and Wicked Game. It was so great. But I kept thinking about Steven and whether the situation was bad or good. And why I had to meet someone who looked so much like Ryan. I still don't understand it.

I knew Steven seemed like a really cool person though and I really hoped I'd see him after the show so I could get his phone number or email address or something at all. The show came to a close and I grabbed Niki and was like "GOTTA FIND HIM NOW!" Hahaha. I looked around and bam there he was. I smiled and he smiled back. We talked about the show and then he asked me for a pen. All I had was eyeliner but he asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm with the make up. Haha. I asked if I could have his too and he grabbed my hand with one hand and brought my arm close to him. As soon as he touched me it felt like a giant shock through my body. I can't even explain it. He wrote the number and told me he'd call me sometime after the weekend. All I could do was smile. We ended up following him out of the arena because we didn't know the way out either. Haha. We talked and I was like "Ha. Now I'm the one with no make up on since I must've sweated it all off. Sorry I'm the one that looks horrible now" he just smiled and said "No. You look good either way." That made me feel so good. We split up at the exit since I had to go one way and he had to go the other way. "It was nice meeting you. I'll call you." is what he said as he left.

As soon as he was out of my sight I just looked at Niki and screamed. Everything was just so crazy and everything went so well. And I was just filled with so many emotions. I felt a connection with Steven and not just because he looked like someone who I once cared about more than anything in the world. I liked Steven's personality. He seemed so fun and interesting and sweet. I really want to talk to him again. I can't get over how adorable the way he wrote his name on my arm was. Lmao. It looks like this: StEV3N. Hahaha. I don't know. I'm a dork. I've just been in such a great mood since last night. I'm SO happy I went.

4 comments|post comment

Septum Peircing! [09 Nov 2005|03:51pm]
[ mood | creative ]

To anyone who reads my journal:

I FINALLY GOT MY SEPTUM PIERCED! I've been dying to get it pierced since I was 11 years old. -_-"



Check out more pictures...Collapse )

6 comments|post comment

Humor me and fill this out. [05 Nov 2005|12:51pm]
[ mood | bored ]

BASICS:
Name:
Age:
Location:
Height:
Hair (color and style):
Eyes:
Piercings/tattoos:

OTHER:
1. Where would we go on dates?
2. Who are three (or more) of your favorite bands/artists?
3. Do you drink/smoke??
4. Do you like the rain?
5. If so...would you play in it with me?
6. Do you like movies?
7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night?
8. Could we cuddle and just fall asleep together?
9. Would you kiss my forhead
10. Do you play an instrument?
11. If so...what?
12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother to make sure i made it home alright?
13. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10?
14. Favorite body part on a guy?
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself?
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, slut)?
17. Would you give me kisses just because?


What Would You do if...
I cried:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
We got in a fight:
I got dumped:
I pissed you off:

What Do You Think Of My...
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Voice:
Humor:
Choice of music:
Manners:
Friends:
Decisions:



Would You...
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Buy me a birthday gift:
Lie to make me feel better:
Spread rumors about me:
Go out at 4am to get me chocolate:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Hold my hand:
Keep in touch:
Make me a snack:
Try and solve my problems:
Love me:
Makeout with me:
Hold me in times of need:
Ditch me:
Use me:
ask me out:
Date me:
kiss with me whenever you had the chance?
Hold me and make my problems go away?

1 comment|post comment

My angels [02 Nov 2005|08:13pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I just offically ordered my tickets for the Cold show in Cleveland, Ohio. I knew I'd be going ever since the date was annouced but it feels so wonderful to finally know FOR SURE that I'll be there. This means so much to me. Let me explain...

Back in August I was at the worst and lowest point in my life I had ever been in. I had no reason to get up in the morning any more and every night I wished I would just drift away forever so I wouldn't have to wake up. I had no happiness or hope in my life anymore for reasons I wouldn't bother you with. But one morning I logged onto my computer and read that Cold would be in Xfest in Dayton, Ohio on September 18th(there's a reason I'm going back in time). That was the only thing in weeks that could bring a smile to my face. It was a four hour drive but I was excited about life again just for the fact that I was seeing Cold live. I was excited to wake up every morning because I knew it meant I was one day closer to seeing my favorite band that meant so much to me.

The show came and was wonderful. I was much happier and I thought I had escaped my depression after all the great things I experienced at the show. But slowly, over the months, things starting falling apart for me again. I starting sinking back into my depression and it became worse than before. My world was out of control and I was back to wishing I'd simply disapear. Once again, last month, I logged onto my computer trying to distract myself from the world around me and there was a date scheduled for Cold in Cleveland, Ohio.

It felt like Cold was right there to save me again. I was falling and they caught me once again. To me, they were my saviors. Seeing that information on the screen in front of me was again the only thing that could make me smile. It proved to me right then and there that no matter how badly life is going that it will always get better. Cold and Scooter Ward's lyrics always manage to find me during the times I need help the most and for that I'll love this band forever.

3 comments|post comment

Emo Kids Are Annoying. [09 Oct 2005|11:43am]
And I find these hilarious!

[Unknown LJ tag]

Phwoar Teeny Emos <3



Get Your Emo Kid Now <3



Get Your Emo Kid Now <3



Get Your Emo Kid Now <3



Get Your Emo Kid Now <3



Get Your Emo Kid Now <3



Get Your Emo Kid Now <3



Get Your Emo Kid Now <3




Get Your Emo Kid Now <3


(lmfao)


Get Your Emo Kid Now <3

5 comments|post comment

WOOHOOOO! [19 Sep 2005|11:11am]
[ mood | happy ]

Here's the picture I got signed by Cold that I lightened and resized so you could see better:


And click here for the original image:
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us


Alrighty so I wrote about my experience with meeting Cold and now that I've gotten some sleep I can tell you about my experience of watching them play.

Alright so my friend and I had got REALLY close to the stage about 30 minutes before Cold came out and then all of a sudden my friend feel really dizzy. One minute she said she was fine then she wanted to go and we were just going back and forth with what to do. She's never ever been to a concert or show of any kind so all of the excitment and heat got to her head and she didn't know what she was feeling. I was really worried about her so we just got out of there before Cold started to play and I took her to first aid to get her some water. They had to call her parents and then she had to fill out papers and it was just this big long process when as soon as she got out of the crowd she felt fine.

I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't frustrated with the situation at all because I was. A lot. But luckily first-aid was RIGHT next to the stage so I could still hear Cold beautifully when they began to play. We sat in the grass where we could actually see Cold pretty damn well and my parents came over and sat with us. At that point my friend was completely fine but didn't want to go back into the crowd. Completely understandable. But I probably made a really bitchy move and went back into the crowd. I asked her if she would mind and she said no but I still felt bad about it. I don't think she even wanted to see Cold in the first place. She says she really likes them but I don't know. She just seemed really bummed the whole freaking day. I payed for her ticket and provided her a ride but way before Cold was going to play and before she felt sick at all, she just seemed very ungrateful and like she didn't want to be there.

But when it really comes down to it, Cold has been there for me more than my friend ever has. The past few months have been the hardest time of my life and the only thing that kept me going was Cold. I'd talk to this friend about all this shit that was going on and it seemed like she'd just ignore me or was annoyed with me. But I'd pop in a Cold cd and be like "Holy shit. He knows exactly what I'm feeling. I'm not alone in this after all." So I decided I needed to support the guys that had been supporting me for so long.

So I headed back into the crowd and ended up getting damn close. I only missed seeing them play 2 or 3 songs. Scooter sounded absolutly amazing. Even better then on cd. They were some sound problems a few times but still. Cold fucking rocked. From what I remembered they played these songs in no particular order:
Just Got Wicked
No One
Remedy
Suffocate
Differant Kind of Pain
Anatomy of a Tidal Wave
Happens All the Time
Feel It In Your Heart
Gods Song
And an AMAZING version of Rain Song. Scooter started out on the piano playing alone and then the rest of the band joined in later. It was so fucking amazing and just powerful.

Today I missed school and I am red like a cherry from all the sunburn and I'm sore as hell but everything was so fucking worth it. I really hope Cold comes back to Ohio some time soon. But next time, I'm going alone!

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FUCKING YES! BEST FUCKING DAY EVER! [19 Sep 2005|01:06am]
[ mood | !!!!!!!!!!!!! ]

So I got up at a little after 4am this morning because I would be leaving for Xfest in Dayton at 6am where Cold would be playing. I was so excited but I have this thing where if something awesome is happening in my life then that means that something horrible has to happen with it. But I tried not to think like that. So we left on time and everything was amazing. We get to Xfest and I picked up a program and saw that all of the bands would be doing autograph sessions. Including Cold. I freaked the fuck out. It was my chance to meet my heros. The guys that had been keeping me alive the past month and a half. And longer before that. I went to get in line but sadly Hawthorne Heights(whom I dispise) was still doing their session so I waited a bit, let some emo kids cut me, then got in line.

I was screaming, jumping, just freaking out in line when out of the corner of my eye I saw fucking Mike and Matt from Cold in the back. I screamed "COLD FUCKING ROCKS!" And threw up the 'rock on' hand and they threw it up right back. I felt so honored to just be acknowledged by them. Then I saw Scooter. I just about lost it. He is my hero. I don't look up to anyone more than him. I screamed "I LOVE YOU SCOOTER!" And he threw up the 'rock on' hand at me. I thought I was going to die. I'm in love with the entire band, they are all amazing but just Scooter. He is just Scooter. So they did their interveiw like 3 feet in front of me with the local radio station. They talked about the next single and such. Then it was time for them to start signing autographs.

The line was moving really fast and I met this really cool guy who had a Cold tattoo on his arm/wrist. Him and his buddy kept laughing at the fact that I was freaking out so much. But come on. It's fucking Cold! Ha! But in my head I was like "Alright, I'll be cool. I won't make myself look like an idiot by freaking out" Everyone in the band seems so layed back but at one point I was afraid that Scooter would be a little stuck up. I could never see him like that, I know Cold loves their fans. But I thought maybe he was having a bad day or something because he just didn't seem real happy to be there. And of course everyone is entitled to a bad day so if he was a little grumpy then I would understand completely. But he wasn't in the slightest.

So then it was my turn to go up and get my picture signed. And at that point everything in my head about "keeping it cool" flew right out the window. I was shaking, couldn't breathe and was on the verge of tears. Here in front of me was the man who has touched my heart in a way that no one ever could. None of my friends, none of my family. No one could make me feel the way listening to a Cold song made me feel. He had helped me in so many ways in the hardest time of my life and he had no clue.

So I was terrified that he was going to think of me as some psycho or some teenage fan girl that is just like "omgz scooter is teh sex". But nah. He was amazing. As soon as he saw me shaking and freaking out a smile was on his face. All my thoughts of him being unpleasent in anyway were completely gone. I just tried to squeeze out any words I possibly could. "Oh my god. Can I please shake your hand?" And he took my right hand in between BOTH of his hands and squeezed tightly and nodding his head as if saying 'Of course, thank you so much for supporting us' and he held it for what felt like forever. He finally let go, to my dissapointment but to sign my picture. I could not feel my hand at all. It instantly felt like my hand had feel asleep and was SO tingly and such. I started to freak out more and he just smiled and said "Are you going to be okay?" I said "Yes, I'm so sorry. You're just so amazing. The new album is amazing. Cold is amazing. Just thank you so much" He smiled again and asked my name. And I completely could not remember. Ha! Finally I spit it out and then he asked how to spell it. Again. I completely forgot. Haha! But I remembered again and told him "B-R-...I-um..T-T-A-N-Y!" Hahaha! This made me feel SOOOO special. He didn't ask anyone else their name or personally sign it. For everyone else he wrote "SW cold" For me he wrote "For Brittany, SW x Cold" It made me feel so fucking good.

So I went down the line and next was Mike and I felt bad because he wasn't on the promotional picture they handed out to be signed. So he just sorta signed at the bottom. But he too asked "Are you okay" Cause I was still freaking out of course! Ha. And then it was Matt who smiled at me and then it was Jeremy. I had bought the new Cold Army shirt earlier(among other Cold merchendise) and Jeremy was like "I love that new design. It's sweet" And I was like "..Uh. I. I. I. I LIKE IT TOO!!!" Hahaha, I just couldn't control what came out of my mouth. I was still breathing really rapidly and Jeremy was like "If you keep breathing like that you're going to pass out!" Haha, and I thought I would very well do that. Again I apologized for freaking out and just told him I love Cold so much. And then it was Sam. I shook Sam's hand as well and thanked him for everything. Then I walked off and just started screaming. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I JUST MET FUCKING COLD! SCOOTER FUCKING WARD SHOOK MY FUCKING HAND!" I had never been so fucking excited in my life. It was amazing.

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BORED! [05 Sep 2005|01:05pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Long Freaking SurveyCollapse )

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KICK ASS BIRTHDAY PRESENT! [19 Aug 2005|05:05pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Sunday is my birthday and I've been begging like crazy to go to X-fest in Dayton where Cold(MY FAVORITE BAND) will be playing on September 18th. Well my mom just surprised me 10 minutes ago by coming into my room without a word, jumping on my computer and ordering the tickets from ticketmaster.com! I'm freaking out right now. It's kind of funny because for my 13th birthday I got to go see Cold in concert as a gift from my mom and now I get it again for my 15th birthday! I'm so fucking excited. I mean seriously look at the line up:

Seether, Papa Roach, Crossfade, Theory of a Deadman, Cold, Hawthorne Heights, Dark New Day, 10 Years, Day of Fire, Rock & Roll Soldiers and 30 Seconds to Mars

Okay so I've never heard Rock & Roll Soldiers, Day of Fire, or 30 Seconds to Mars and I hate Hawthorne Heights with a passion but this is still going to be amazing. I LOOOVE Theory of a Deadman, Seether, Crossfade and of course COLD. This is going to be so amazingly awesome.

I have been super depressed the past 3 weeks so this is a nice little pick-me-up. And no, Ryan still isn't back. But I need to have some fun. I wrote him a letter the other night and mailed it and I'm going to keep writing until I get a response. It's time for me to smile again. My best American friend Niki is coming with me so it's ging to be even more fun. It's a four hour drive and there's going to be 11 bands there so we are probably going to end up skipping school the next day. I'm so excited.

In a couple hours I'm going out to dinner with my daddy and step mom to celebrate my birthday with them, so that'll be nice. Then Saturday I'm having my friends Niki, Krystal and Jessica over to spend the night and camp out in my back yard. Family is coming over Saturday to hang out too so I'm going to be keeping myself plenty busy. I want more than anything for Ryan to come back. That's really the only birthday present I want. I would trade the concert tickets for 10 minutes of talking with Ryan any day. But I have to just relax and have hope that he'll be back to me soon. I'm missing him like crazy.

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Blah [16 Aug 2005|07:36am]
Ryan still hasn't been on. It's been a little over two weeks now and I'm dying but you know what? Sitting here moping and being a whiney little bitch isn't going to make him come back any sooner. All of my friends think that he just ditched me and I need to move on. Do I think that? Of course not. I'm not going to lose hope that he'll be back to me but I'm not going to wait around and waste my life crying. I've been trying to be alive again. It's so amazingly hard but I've been doing anything to keep myself from thinking. I went shopping the other day and then the next day. I'm a girl so of course buying new clothes and shoes cheer me up. I stayed over a friends house, and then yesterday I had two other friends come over. I'm just keeping myself busy as possible. When I'm busy I don't let myself think. But of course once I'm alone and get a minute to myself I sink back into reality and realize my life really is a mess. My birthday is Sunday. Who thinks Ryan will be on by then? Oh no hands raised? I didn't think so. This has been the worst month of my life, but it's time I stop being so fucking pathetic. I need to smile again. Ryan is my whole world but he's not here right now so what, am I supposed to just stop living? Well that's what I've been doing and I'm done. I'm going to hang out with friends more, be more active, whatever it takes to keep myself distracted. I think I might shop some more soon. It's sad but I guess material things cheer me up.

Here's all the stuff I bought this weekCollapse )
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Lonely [01 Aug 2005|01:54am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I'm really lonely. Ryan hasn't be online for two days. He's having computer problems so I was expecting it but that doesn't change anything. I just have a feeling he isn't trying too hard to get back online. I feel like he's avoiding me. He probably is. Oh well. I'll be here when he decides to come back. Or maybe his computer just completely crashed. What if he can't get back online ever again? What am I supposed to do? Just wait? If he isn't online for a week it's not like I can call him and ask him what is going on. I'd get him in trouble since he mom doesn't know about me. I don't want to get him in trouble. I don't want him to hate me. I'm so tired. The only thing I want to do anymore is sleep. It's so hard to sleep though. But that's all I want when I can't talk to him. I don't expect Ryan to be on anymore so I just sleep. When I'm not sleeping I'm crying. I hate being like this. Last night before I slept I just kept thinking how much I didn't want to wake up until Ryan could be with me. So guess how long I slept. Two hours. That's it. I don't have motivation for anything anymore. I just don't understand the point of waking up if Ryan isn't going to be here. He's the only thing I live for. Tomorrow is August 2nd. It'll be one year since he asked me to be his girlfriend. I can't type anymore. Goodnight.

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[01 Aug 2005|12:56am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Survey to make my wife happyCollapse )

12 comments|post comment

SLEEP [30 Jul 2005|06:50am]
[ mood | giggly ]

6:50am. I'm eating delicious genaric golden grahams in a pink sippy bowl with my favorite spoon. I haven't slept in... I've been trying to count how many hours for 5 minutes. And I'm not getting anywhere. So I'll say this in a different way. At 2pm it'll be 48 hours of nonsleep. Understand?! Good. Great. Supurv. Let's kill these bitches. I killed a bitch earlier. It was this massive cricket. It was just fucking huge. It was hopping around in my room. And I was just like ...no no, this is NOT how I roll! So I had to terminate it. But I didn't want to hear the crunch noise. I wanted to melt it, but Ryan called me a whimp. So I grabbed my moms shoe and just BAAAAAAAM! So hard on the criket that it fucking split in half. And so smushing. But I didn't hear the CRUUUUUNCH! I just heard the BAAAAAAAM! Ask Ryan, he knows. No he doesn't he is a terrible radio host. Just because I don't play a full song doesn't mean he is a better host. He has no hosting skills what so ever. Definitely not. God I'm freezing. Ryan is God by the way. But he is not the boss. Ryan = God = Not boss. I took the toga. He didn't even care. He was hanging out with Jericho. He has pants but they are invisible. Right. Ok. Bye.


If you believe that sour apple is good you meet me in the lobby after the show. I'll be the one stabbing jaws.

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Anything For You by Evanescence [19 Jul 2005|03:43am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I'd give anything to give me to you
Can you forget the world that you thought you knew
If you want me,
Come and find me
Nothing's stopping you so please release me

I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you

Nothing left to make me feel anymore
There's only you and everyday I need more
If you want me
Come and find me
I'll do anything you say just tell me

I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you

I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you

Anything for you
I'll become your earth and sky
Forever never die
I'll be, everything you need

I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you

I'll believe
All your lies
Just pretend you love me
Make believe
Close your eyes
I'll be anything for you

I love Ryan too damn much

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Sigh [17 Jul 2005|03:05am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I've been waiting around online for Ryan all day. Like always. He told me he wouldn't be busy this weekend. Him not busy? Pfft. He's always busy. So a few hours ago I basically gave up hope on him signing on any time soon. So when I heard the sound of aim alerting me that someone had signed on I didn't even bother to look and I just kept laying down. Then I heard the sound of someone messaging me and I jumped up rapidly. It was him. All the waiting paid off as soon as I saw his screen name. But then I read what he had to say. "Sorry I haven't been on. I can't be." Apparently his mom has been a bitch lately and she took away his PS2 and computer privliges for the day. She says he doesn't help out around the house. I know for a fact he busts his ass with house work because he's always away cleaning. Ryan was signed on for exactly 2 minutes. That's it. That's what I waited all day for. Two minutes of him throwing me excuses. I understand he isn't allowed online for the day but it seemed like he didn't even care. I get so upset when I don't talk to him. But it doesn't seem to affect him at all and that makes it hurt more. He probably is more angry about not getting to play his presious video games than not being able to talk to me. Things just aren't good lately. I've been stressing out about finding a job so I can earn enough money to go see him, while he is online as minimal as possible. It's been so hard to sleep lately. I have to take generic NyQuil to knock me out. Then once I'm sleeping I don't want to wake up. I just am losing reasons to wake up. I know he won't be here when I awake so why should I awake at all? He is my whole world. I want to be the same for him. Why can't he love me the way he says he does? I'm so sick of being this depressed person. I want to be happy. But the only time I'm happy is when he's around. I need him so badly. I feel too fucking alone without him. I want to go to sleep now and just sleep until he comes online. And then as soon as he leaves I want to sleep again until he returns. He's the only reason I just don't put myself in an endless sleep. I'm sick of typing. Goodnight.

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Sleepy sleep time. [16 Jul 2005|07:04am]
[ mood | drained ]

I wish! I can't fucking sleep. As usual. Just took some medicine to help me out though. Ryan, my boyfriend, wasn't online all day. He finally came on at like 4am. Told me about ghosts. And then left. Now I'm parinoid as all hell. He kept trying to get me to watch this video of some little ghost girl. Fuck that. Little girls are scary enough while their alive! Then he was telling me about how he recorded silence on his computer then reversed it and played it back and heard people whispering. I bet it was just weird frequency waves or whatever. But then I tried and I too heard the whispering and such. Now I keep jumping and seeing stuff move out of the corner of my eye. I was already told a guy haunts my basement, which is my bedroom, but I've never had any problems. Other than some odd noises and doors shuting on their own I've never had any ghostly experiences. And lets keep it that way. Tomorrow erm later today I plan on trying to go find a job. It's hard to find work as a 14 year old but I need some money desperatly. I need it so I can go visit my boyfriend up in Canada. I'm so terrified to start working though. I like new experiences but I'm really afraid I'm going to fuck up over and over and get fired my first day. Oh well. I gotta do what I gotta do to go see my boy. He is too damn adorable. When he was telling me about all the scary videos he watched and how freaked he was getting I couldn't help but giggle. Just picturing him all frightened is so cute to me. But to be honest Ryan is the bravest person I know. It's amazing. He makes it seem like he isn't afraid of anything. I wish I was more like him. I'm afraid of everything, it's terrible. I'm starting to get drowsey finally. Thank you NyQuil. I'm going to go lay down and think of Ryan, not ghosts. NOT ghosts. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. No ghosts.

Goodnight.

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Lullaby by Assemblage 23 [15 Jul 2005|05:03am]
[ mood | blank ]

May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

As you sink beneath the soothing streams of time
May you be thankful that you had another day
For there comes a time when each of us will enter
A sleep from which we will never wake

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

Close your eyes now, if only for a moment
For it's time you get some rest
The wolves are gone and nothing here can harm you
Let go of your fragile consciousness

Return to me
When slumber's fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before


-Lullaby by Assemblage 23

Such a beautiful song with such a good message.

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In Love With A Song [15 Jul 2005|04:34am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I'm figuring it out. Who kicks ass? Definitely me.

...If only I could figure out how to add a header. That's my next mission.

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